Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
So we got a goldfish…
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).