Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Cats (2019)
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Traveler’s camo
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”