*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Writing, She Murdered.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Good morning, Twitter 😊
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.