The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.