Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister