Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
smartest karate player in the world
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
love it when they get my name right
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Best table by far
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.