I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide