I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
You Might Also Like
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener