If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.