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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Bike for sale
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
fourth time’s the charm
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”