I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye