a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.