My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Our lord and savoury.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Breaking news:
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”