my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”