I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…