Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.