Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen