I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
There are usually two types of merchants.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.