Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
WHY?!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me when my alarm goes off
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.