Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
What
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
it be like that
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This week’s mood.