Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
She: I like Cats
He:
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.