ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.