Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
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Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’