Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I never needed anything more in my life
I know karate and tons of other words.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict