I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My dryer is celebrating lint.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already