I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.