It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You Might Also Like
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list