tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years