I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!