When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Schrödinger’s cookie
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Friday night party time 🥳
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.