TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Reporter: *ports again*
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I support this random dude and all his protests
A Short Story.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Any refunds available?…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats