me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS