Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You Might Also Like
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud