[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
You Might Also Like
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
? 💀
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Love this guy
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.