Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
good work, everybody
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.