[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
ibopfufen
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.