#Caturday
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If looks could kill
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?