Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.