Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
That 👊
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]