Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.