The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
inside you are two wolves
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”