[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
grotesque if literal: baby food
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Awwwww shit.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Ghost costume 😂
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”