Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
You Might Also Like
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
what’s more important?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna