me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
👾👾👾
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello