The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Good dog. ❤️
the pigeons are already plenty salty
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.