Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.