I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.