Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Always 🥴
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The answer is funnier than the question
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”