Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
wishing you and yours all the best
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.