Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!